I see you. I see you struggle. I see you question. I see you wonder. I see you with little pockets of joy but most of the time you are filled with fear. Fear of insufficiency. Fear of disconnect. Fear of the difficult. Fear of emptiness. Fear of disappointment. Fear of not satisfying the feeling of dissatisfaction. Fear of causing your family to miss out on every potential opportunity. Fear of ruining them or making them useless to me and the world.
I hear you. I hear your cries for rest. I hear your plea to not wake up yet because you don’t want to face your fear. Fear of what now. Fear of the questions “How much TV can my kids watch today? How long do I have to hold this kid before he’s happy? How will this all work when the new baby gets here?” I hear your mind reeling as soon as the kids get up. You don’t see this day as a day to embrace but a day to battle. Battle messes. Battle expectations. Battle weariness and physical exhaustion. Battle that tinge of guilt for feeding your kids cereal with non-organic milk. Battling the reality that you’re not getting it all right and people in your care will have to face the consequences of your choices for them. I hear you feebly fighting almost every moment of the day. I hear you criticize your choices and never feel good enough about anything because you wonder if you should have been doing something else or someone else’s opinion of what you should be doing is running through your head like a song set on repeat.
He understands how big this is for you. Remember, because of your inadequacies Jesus fought your biggest battle. He is well aware of how incapable you are. He understands it is hard to understand. Your inadequacies are always going to exist. Always. You’re never going to get it all right or why did Jesus die? It’s hard to accept but it’s one of the most real things and you need to see it. You are inadequate. Very. Very. Very. You are a jar of clay. You are dust. You are a vessel, a pot. You are not all together and put together and usable. You are broken, broken, broken so don’t expect unbrokenness. Don’t expect to know answers. Don’t expect to get it right. Don’t expect to have arguments that can silence the voice of the Devil who continually reminds you of your guilt. Don’t you know only HIS name does that? Only the light can defeat darkness. Grey can’t overcome black. Only light can defeat dark. God is light. You are not.
HE is glad to be with you in it and has appreciated your continued refocus and reshift. He appreciates your dissatisfaction with dissatisfaction. He is so glad you keep trying to keep your eyes on him. So listen. Keep your eyes on him. He is there and so ready to embrace tomorrow with you. He is ready for you to feed your kids cereal. He is ready for you to give in to your son’s demands for TV. He is ready for you to hand over fruit snacks. Shutdown. Break down. Feel so weary and so tired and have no energy. He is not against you and not disappointed in you. If you keep your eyes on Him your tenderness will return. Your Father is not scared of the bigness of parenting nor unaware that broken bodies making children is draining or that TV can be an answer to prayer if it means your toddler won’t make a mess. He sees that and hears that and God is not angry or asking you to change and be someone different and be someone better. He is not asking any of that. He is with you. Their life is important to Him too. You aren’t capable of making them who God wants them to be on your own anyhow. It’s all by His spirit. He wants to be with you in this because God loves kids. His kingdom is filled with their example. They are pure joy to Him. He likes your kids right now. And He likes you.
He can do something about it. Jump into Jesus’ arms and love life. Put down your sword in the morning and take off your meager armor of “Goal oriented, picture perfect, Fake it til you make it” Motherhood. Remember you are clothed in amazing robes of righteousness only because of what Jesus has done. Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom. Not right answers. Not perfection. Freedom. Embrace Holy Spirit. Run with Holy Spirit and enjoy His presence which will give you more peace than perfection ever could.